I find myself in this personal shift-my personality, my thinking, my views, my beliefs...so much in me is changing.
And one of the scariest parts is not knowing if I'm "right". I don't like the unknown. I remember when I was little I used to think I couldn't wait to get to heaven because then I would ask God who was right and who was wrong in all of the fights I had. I crave being right or knowing if something is wrong.
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I grew up in a Christian, conservative, military, nuclear family household. My mother is/was authoritarian in her parenting style, so choices and free thinking were extremely limited. I remember watching Oprah when I was about to turn 18-she looked into the camera and said, "Who are you?" I sat and thought about it and realized I had no idea. I had all these things I wanted to be-a ballerina, a dancer, a cheerleader. But I was never given the opportunity to cultivate that passion-instead my hobbies were handed to me. Now, I don't want to discredit band or any of the other things I participated in-they lead to wonderful achievements and excellent skills I may not have honed otherwise. But my heart aches every time I see a ballet, because ballet is in my soul. It is a passion. Maybe I wouldn't have been amazing at it, but dance is an itch that my soul needs to scratch and I was never given the opportunity to do so. And it...it just makes me heart ache.
But I didn't know who I really was. I have the following analogy:
Imagine that your favorite color is yellow. You love yellow. You want to paint your room yellow, you want a yellow car, you want to wear yellow every day. Someone comes a long and says, "No, your favorite color is blue." And they paint over your yellow walls with blue, they trade your yellow car in for a blue car, and they clear our your closet of all the yellow and replace it with blue. Eventually, you will probably begin to feel that blue is your favorite color.
I think our minds work like that-especially children who are at the mercy of the decisions of their parents. In order to make the best of our situation, we try to let go of the "yellow" and embrace the "blue" because it obviously is what pleases our parents-we are rewarded with validation, acceptance and accord within the house because we are embracing the "blue".
I feel like I have spent too much of my life telling myself that blue is my favorite color when it's been yellow all along.
So I'm in search of my favorite color. We are fluid creatures-I think our taste buds are the best mirrors of that fact. I hated sweet potatoes when I first tried them eons ago-as of November 2013, I cannot get enough of them. Seriously, obsessed.
I am in search of what I believe in. I cannot call myself a Christian any longer. I have tasted too much hypocrisy, studied too much history that makes me question the core of the Christian belief system. I don't condemn them as they will condemn me, but my eyes have been opened to the profound discrepancies and faults with this belief system.
I have searched mildly through other religions, but it's honestly not something I'm actively pursuing at the moment. My spirituality is scarred, barren and bruised and has been for some time. I'm content with my self-exploration for now. Yoga is the only place that I feel transcendence-physically and mentally I'm diving in head first-immersing myself in the love and light that is my yoga practice. Spiritually, I am excruciatingly hesitant. And I think it's because I'm petrified that the religion will come in and stamp out the light I have found.
I was raised as a conservative Republican and boy did I stick to my guns ferociously. No longer. I told my husband the other day, "I think I might be considered a liberal."
And all of these changes bring a degree of disharmony inside of me. I am conflicted with what I was raised with. I don't like to live my life for others or worry about what others will think of my choices, but I also want to be taken seriously. I don't want anyone to see this shift as disingenuous, just "going through a phase" or being "at that age" or being simply for shock value. I am putting deep, careful thought into all of this.
I read, educate and research constantly. I watch countless documentaries and then do heavy in-depth reading and research to investigate the claims presented.
I feel like a fire has been lit-I haven't become skeptical per se, I have become curious about the world around me. I see that there are multitudes of examples where the average person has had the wool pulled over their eyes. I want to lift that away=I want to pull back the curtain of mystery to understand the facts behind how the world works. I want to be informed. And the more informed I become, the more I pull away from these core concepts I was raised with. And contrary to what many may believe, I don't think there is anything wrong with it. I would rather be a free-thinker than a sheep. I don't want to be pulled along in this world by unseen forces and false pretenses. I want to know. I want to be active in shaping my future, our future.
I'm definitely still a work in progress and I'm okay with that for now. I am pleased with the self-discovery and challenged with the journey.
Cause let's be honest, if it doesn't challenge you it doesn't change you.