The problem is, girls get on my nerves! I don't like badmouthing or constantly comparing others. I have bad days where I complain and can tell that I'm just in a nasty mood, sure. (But I usually forbid myself from going out of the house for fear of ending up in jail and on the local news.) I don't like demanding friendships. I don't want to hang out every single day. And my personality is one that ebbs and flows-I come and go like the tides and I'm okay with that. In order to be part of my world, you're going to have to realize that and accept it as a truth. Not everything is about you. Not everything is a personal slight to you. This is just me!
Even so, I am very particular on who I want to let in my life and it's completely 100% girls' faults. I have never had my heart broken as badly as my best girl friend(s) in school. It's really hard to get close to women to form those critical female supportive relationships=almost to the point of being a phobia.
And that sounds weird, so I don't like having to explain to a new possible "friend" why I don't want to hang out or call or text or make plans, etc. The problem is that I am outgoing, I have a leadership-esque personality, and I enjoy helping others. So you see that side of me, but you don't see the side that is scared to death of your friendship.
I volunteer at a retirement home for military veterans and I love it. I look forward to going and find every excuse to visit my "people" as I call them. I've noticed that I take to the men better than the women. I don't exclude the women, but I can't help but to say that no women fall into my (of course, private) list of privates. Again, I try not to convey that message, but with introspection I have identified this to be a truth for me.
I don't like disappointment. I like to stick with the same things because I don't like being let down. I would rather watch The Office one hundred thousand times than try a new show that inevitably lets me down. I know, I know: That's no way to live life! Believe me, if I could flip a switch to make myself be daring and unaffected, I'd do it! But this is the reality of my personality and who I am. However, I don't believe that personalities, tendencies or habits are concrete-I believe we are constantly changing, dynamic individuals. We are water.
The comedian Bill Hicks (although an avid drug pusher it seems...) made a great point: "The world is like a ride. You think it's real? It's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice between fear and love."
And you know, I'm working on changing that fear into love. I realize that you can't hold others in your present or future for the sins of others in your past. It's not fair to others and it inhibits you from receiving love from others and experiencing all of life's beauty.
Cause let's be honest, we really hold ourselves back more than any outside force we choose to blame.